} 2004

if i could describe 2004 in a few words... i would say that it was too fast. the first half of the year just flew by. i couldnt tell term 1 from term 2. it felt unreal that i was actually sec 3 already. and whoosh. by the time i accept that im sec 3, im going to be sec 4. what the hell man!

there are only a few things in my memory of this year that really stand out in my mind... the first is of course FRS. all the hectic times... and how in the end everything was pieced together so beautifully despite all the last minute work... thanks to the seniors. i really admire them man.

FRS brings back quite nice memories lah. not of the preparations... DEFINITELY not the preparations... but the actual competition was nice. :))

then. there was portugal. SHIT i miss portugal. i remember when we slept over at novita's house to finish up the work. for some reason it wasnt stressful at all.. we even had the time to watch the FRS video later on. :D squished together on her bed... hahaha.

portugal was really nice... although i feel like i didnt do much there, didnt have a very important role in the team. but still i had a fun time. got to know mr alex and ms evelyn. :))

after that comes the not-so-nice memories. NJRC. ohh yes. i can shudder thinking about it. more than anything, more than any other time, i feel like i really did NOT do my best for that competition. and the thing that still haunts me until now... the website... i dont want to feel egoistic, i dont mean to sound egoistic, but... to have people put so much trust in you. argh. never mind. i never told anyone... and doubt i ever will.

but njrc was really the climax of my failure. as everything. a leader. an arc member... a person.

and then i screwed up my piano exam too... not that i cared, but. i sort of sacrificed on it, for njrc. i sacrificed on something, for a failure. a stupid failure. i can still have nightmares about it now.

after that.. i felt like i couldnt take it anymore. so i worked hard for exams. i remember coming back to school on saturdays with novita to study... especially CHEM. oh man. thanks novita. :) but i guess i started to slack a bit for humanities... thats why i didnt do so well. oh well.

NJRC was also the time when ARC started showing signs of breaking down. signs of failing as a family. although i dont want to judge... from then onwards, i started seeing everyone a little differently. njrc made me see everyone differently. even the ones i was close to... and i realised i wasnt close to them at all.

and in a way i wished i hadnt found out those bad things about people... but maybe thats what growing closer is all about. accepting other people's faults, because im not perfect either.

Well. for FLL, i decided to buck up. i decided to try working on the robot although i was actually quite scared... i mean, what the hell, the robot is THE most important aspect, and this would be my one and only chance, if i screw up that would be the end. of course luckily i wasnt the only 'robot person'. good thing clarissa was also working on the robot... someone reliable and experienced.

im afraid that my bad image of people stayed with me during FLL... so that i couldnt really see anyone the same way again. i guess... thats why i was not-so-nice at times. sigh.

i remember i was really unsure about the robot... and i realised that i really suck at it anyway. im slow, im better at breaking the robot apart than building it back. i think there must have been some times when clarissa was very frustrated with me... .___.

but i tried anyway. because of what MET said to me. which made me feel really bad, for letting my own insecurity jeopardise the team. i didnt want to give up or quit on the robot. i was in a kind of dilemma i guess, because all the time i knew there could be someone else, someone BETTER, working on it.

Although FLL really made me grow a kind of passion for robots. somehow i felt that our robot was really special, that no matter what our robot is actually the best... and if it doesnt work it's entirely due to surrounding conditions. kind of like a very complacent parent who refuses to believe anything bad about the child, really.

so. maybe thats what made me do the longest robot booklet of all time. i never realised i wrote so much.. until i started doing page numbers. i dunno. i just wrote about every single thing.. i didnt leave anything out... because everything about the robot is special! and there has to be photos and sketches for every single part. now that i look back, i really dont know why i bothered so much.

although we did win back something.. somehow i still feel like i didnt do enough. one thing about FLL is that it made me fully realise how incompetent i am. i mean, i knew it before, but FLL just sort of hit me on the head with it, if you get my drift.

it leaves me with the same dilemma ... to be incompetent, yet to HAVE to do it because my conscience just wouldnt rest. it leaves me feeling so unsure... i just want to try harder and harder, and im more scared than ever that it wont be enough. but i guess its better this way. i dont want to be sure. complacency is the worst fault any human can ever have. for a time i was a bit sure of myself... i have to blame that on other people for making me feel that way. sorry but i do. im glad that i woke up and realised how stupid and incompetent i am. stupid and incompetent, but capable, if i only try. this is the only way i can improve, i guess.

After FLL, i just started discovering more and more faults with myself. i realise that these are faults i've encountered before, but never fully accepted. after a lot of thinking, a lot of sleepless nights and uncomfortable nightmares... i managed to accept my weaknesses. and in recognising that im weak, i feel better somehow. its weird, but i do.

maybe im just weird. but it feels good to know that im weak, and there are so many people better than me. there is still so much to learn from them. it gives me a lot more room to improve. in other words... it feels really good to know that im weak, and incompetent, but not helpless.

and based on this newfound humility.. i wrote down a lot of new year resolutions for myself... as well as targets for next year. and im happy. im glad God made 2004 such a sucky year. makes me realise how sucky i am. :) im glad im sucky. im glad im incompetent, and not good. it gives me room to make mistakes. and i accept myself better this way. and anyway.. being unhappy with the way i am makes me improve faster.

probably my most important resolution for next year is to do my best at everything. then i wouldnt have so many regrets, unlike this year. :)

and now just to end it off...
i know i did some stupid things,
and i know i said some stupid things
but im really really sorry
im just stupid, what can i say
but i hope i'll become a better person
and not do or say anymore stupid things.

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a life without taking chances
is no kind of life at all
you've got to stand up for something
even if you might fall.
got to take that road
wherever it might go.

...i'd do it all again
and that's the honest truth.

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that's all folks. happy new year. i hope all of us will have a good 2005.

2004-12-31, 10:29 p.m..
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