} on my shoulder

i see the problem clearly now. not that i didnt expect it since a long time ago. what with everything that happened this year... its quite inevitable that arc rounds off the happy year by falling into this mess.

im of course responding to suhui's christmas entry. if you haven't you should read it now: [link]. It's a beautiful entry. and after reading it i do wish arc can be like that. and i wish my own family can be like that.

im sorry that arc has come to a separation between the exco and the non-exco. i have to say sorry because, as part of the exco, i must have done something to start off this problem.

if i see it from an ordinary member's eyes... it looks like the exco seem to be more important than the other members. they're keeping everything in, only informing members when there's work to be done. so what are we, puppets? we dont know whats going on but we just do the work because we have to.

thats how i would see it, at least.

so im truly sorry. that a line of separation like that ever developed.

and yet, as an exco member, for some reason i just cant see us revealing every little bit of what we did to all the members. its not because im acting big and pompous, you know. i know there are other members who are probably smarter than me: more reflective, more introspective... maybe they can solve the problems much better than i can.

i dunno. for once, im lost. i dont see a perfect solution.

so why is the exco keeping things in?

i can only hypothesise. i cant be sure either, because i fail to see it from a bird's eye view.

possible reason 1: lack of trust? is it because we simply cannot trust the other members?

possible reason 2: pride? do we believe that we are far more capable than the others? does keeping things in make us feel like we are better than them..more imporant?

possible reason 3: selfishness?

possible reason 4: all of the above?

i dont know. im still reflecting upon it myself. i tried to finish reflecting yesterday night, but i stayed up till about 1am and still i couldnt find an answer.

this problem is full of complications... i really dunno where to start.

on the other hand, for instance, the problems that we are facing ARE already shared with the whole of ARC.

every arc member should know the problems we are facing... problems that are, sadly, mostly internal. for this holiday our work has been just planning. planning and planning. (if you want to know. since you want us to share everything right?) and we WILL reveal all our plans shortly. when school starts.

our problems are shared. the exco are just trying to solve them. i guess we are not giving much room for other members to speak up... that's one of the problems we have to settle too. so hopefully, things will be better next year.

honestly. we're not doing anything so big that it has to be kept secret. everything that we did this holiday, was just for arc. to solve whatever problems we encountered this past year. we just cant reveal it earlier because its more convenient to do it when everyone is present.

and everyone knows we cant put it up on our blog because our blog is so good at attracting unwanted readers.

well. so i end up defending the exco after all. i sound selfish, i know. i AM selfish, i wish i wasnt, but i am. but i do admit that making other members feel less important is wrong. im sorry if i ever acted big and all-important, because im not.

well. what did you expect me to say anyway?

i admit that i think the rest of you are just lazy, incompetent fools. im better than all of you put together, so bugger off.

?!??!?!?!?!??

i cant cos im not 'all that'. i admit im still individualistic at times, but im learning... trying to learn to work in a team. or maybe im bad at being in a family because i've never experienced closeness in a family before. i dunno.

the truth is, im just as capable as any other arc member, maybe even less. im not a leader - there are other members who can lead, though. sometimes i feel like im not worthy to have this position that i hold. because i cant seem to live up to it.

i just got the job, thats all. because, for some reason, the ability to use photoshop was such a rare skill. (yeah. i know. what the hell.)

but the truth is, its not that hard to slap some rubbish on photoshop and make it look nice, you know? and practically every person in arc knows how to use photoshop now. and how to make websites. and they know it better than me. im not in aep; i draw more rubbish than artistic things, i dont have the patience to do things nicely, make things perfect......

so how come i got the job? you know what? I DUNNO MAN. but i got it. so im just trying to play my part here... i dont make a good leader at all but im still trying to be one. i know i may be incompetent so im trying to keep up. but i screw up. hell, lots of times.

thats just how it is i guess. people make mistakes. the exco made a mistake by keeping a distance with the other members. so we will solve that problem to make things better next year.

and there are still problems within the exco too. we're not that united as a team. its sad that internal problems can occur in even such a small group. but its true. hey, sometimes i feel left out too - like im blur and the rest know whats going on. or some people know more than others.

i dunno. im lost now. after all that crap, i think all i'm trying to say is that - yes. the exco made mistakes. ARC made mistakes. but we're trying to make things better, aren't we? to be like a family. even as the lazy, incompetent fool that i am i would try to do my part to make arc a family too.

i reflected during christmas. arc is really a second family to me. maybe even more. arc isn't perfect, but i accepted that, and i love arc anyway. im not perfect, so i hope arc will accept that.

i've been thinking. next year i'll be sec 4. when i leave ij.... i cant even think about leaving ij. because it will mean leaving the family that i've had for the past 3 years. when i leave ij, ARC is what i will miss the most. to just have a family to turn to, if you get what i mean.

i couldnt celebrate christmas with my blood family this year. but its not like we ever do anyway, if you get what i mean. we're still strictly individualistic. but im glad i had arc to spend my christmas with. it really made me feel that i hate to be a loner.

what im trying to say is. arc means a lot to me. and i dont ever want it to break apart. and im very sorry that i contributed to something that could have destroyed the whole concept of arc altogether.

suhui, im glad you woke me up.

i can only hope that what the exco has done will make arc better for everybody. not just for some people. cos i want everyone else to feel the same way as i do... that arc is just something completely indispensable.

when i think about it, i do miss being together with the brudders. and other arc members too. acting big and all-important gets tiring too, heh?

(haha. just kidding. no really. except about the part of missing being with brudders & arc as a whole.)

and once again, im sorry. im sorry.

..................................................................................................................

when it all gets
too much
put your head down
on my shoulder
a little warmth when it gets colder
i dont know the things that you're going through.
but you can put your head down
on my shoulder.

..................................................................................................................

God bless the souls who were lost due to the earthquake, and the loved ones who lost them.

2004-12-28, 12:16 p.m..
before } after