i always thought it impossible that anyone's thinking can change suddenly, overnight. but it happened to me. nothing miraculous or anything. it came in the form of an sms.

this morning. i got the message from jianeng saying that the meeting with met had been postponed.

which meant that, actually, i could have gone on my family holiday. i didnt need to disappoint my parents or anything... if i had been able to make it then maybe my dad could have booked a hotel in malaysia. now instead we're going to pasir ris.

i dunno. it was overwhelming. i wanted to ask why the meeting was postponed so i could feel angry and point fingers at someone, but then wondered why i couldnt... why i wanted to cry instead. then it came to me that you people in arc mean too much to me for me to feel so angry at you.

but i wanted to cry because.... i know it seems like a small thing, but everything seems to be crashing down into one thing. i have always put arc before other things, even my family. always, always. and i feel guilty for it, today it was just too much. this is 2 years' worth of hurt.

and then i wondered for a moment if this is even close to how MET must feel. about arc. about his marriage.

he delayed his marriage for years. for arc. but arc didn't do anything especially sensational for him...or at least that's how i feel. we gave him some laughs, some sentiments, some good times... but what he really wanted from us? i dont think so.

but, i think, arc means too much to him for him to feel angry at our failures.

when you're in a situation like that, you bear all the guilt upon yourself, because there is no one to blame it all on. its just heartwrenching.

and although the meeting was postponed, the answer just came to me this morning why he was so angry and disappointed that day.

its nothing to be expressed in words, but i felt one-millionth of how he must have been feeling for the past few years.

it makes me want to do more for arc somehow. and i've never been so happy to know that he's putting arc behind him to move on to bigger dreams.

i guess im exploding one tiny thing into a huge thing... but thats how i felt, so. yeap.