} getting rid of lousy feelings

i dont know what happened to me. suddenly it seems like everything that i do and say is wrong. it feels like i cant do or say anything right.

everything has been going wrong somehow. i dunno. i think its just me. my brain seems to be breaking down inside. i dunno whats wrong with me.

im scared. i dont think i can live up to the expectations. especially my own expectations. i keep telling myself that this may be my last chance. but i still cant do it. i cant do it. why? i keep telling myself i can. can i/will i do it?

its as though everything is breaking down. to me at least. maybe because im breaking down from inside.

last year seemed like the ultimate high. everything seemed downhill from there.

well im working on robot. i finally got what i want. its fun. i dont regret it. but it feels weird. somehow its really just like working on a website or something. i dont feel like im working in a group. i dont feel like im working with people who i know, my friends.

i keep feeling left out nowadays. not anybody's fault. i think im isolating myself. i dunno how to talk to people anymore. everything that i say comes out wrong. i've been mean. impatient. without meaning to. i've been a jerk.

somehow it feels like njrc all over again. except that somehow, we've stopped trying so hard. or at least thats how i feel. maybe its because i just dont know. but it just feels like njrc cos im working alone again. i dunno whats going on with the rest. but i guess its better than njrc. things seem to be working out. im trusting my teammates. i have no choice. my brain capacity doesnt allow me to focus on more than one thing.

and always. the pressure. i dont think anyone is giving me pressure except myself. im killing myself. bit by bit. im scared. i think about starting the robot on the actual day and i get scared. somehow i've always relied upon the fact that someone else will be there. but now im alone.

its not her fault she's so busy. i want to be angry but i cant. maybe she can take over when she's ready, but will it be too late by then? im scared that im screwing up the job while she's gone. deep inside i keep reminding myself that someone else could be doing a better job. its a sucky feeling.

its good that MET treats everybody the same. it makes me feel good sometimes. but other times it makes it worse. because he seems to trust me the way he trusts everybody else. who is more experienced. i dont want to let him down. i dont want to let my teammates down. i dont want to let myself down.

but i did. i disappointed myself. im so slow at working. my productivity rate is low. and i cant think properly. cant think of new ideas. i keep getting stuck with old ones. its a sucky feeling too, being angry at myself.

more than anything. the brudders dont seem so close anymore. i feel even more alone when i think that im the only one feeling this way. i think its just because i've isolated myself from the rest. everything is fine actually. i just dont know it. whats wrong with me.

i feel like theres a strain between us now. usually when we eat. theres always silence. but its the good kind of silence. like we dont need to talk to each other to show how close we are. but now. i feel like the silence is strained. like we're hiding something. maybe im hiding something. i dunno. is there anything i really want them to know? is there anything im hiding from them?

but i dont want to be angry at anyone. or hide anything. or show anything. it doesnt feel right. because im not even close to them anymore. it feels like judging someone i just met in one day. i think the problem just lies with me.

but maybe the biggest problem is. now i dont even feel like talking anymore. im too tired. i dont want to talk about it. so if i feel left out/alone/weird/angry. its really my fault. because i chose to keep it to myself.

i think the problem is that. right now. im so angry and disappointed at myself. but at this time. more than ever. i need to trust myself. its like working in a team. if you are angry at them, how can you work with them? except that this time. i have no reason to be angry at my team. im not angry at them. this time im just fighting with myself. which is stupid. im wasting time. im angry at myself for wasting time.

i used to believe that all that matters is doing my best. but now i start to doubt if my best will be good enough. because other people's best are so much better. i have to do more. i have to do better. i have to try harder. i have to.

i dont want to disappoint myself or anyone else anymore. i did more than enough of that this year. i cant afford to waste any more chances. its almost too late. but i might still make it.

i need to make up for everything i did. i need to make up for all the times i did wrong.

phew. that feels a lot better. if you read this please forget about it because i feel a lot better now. if you feel offended in any way please forget about it too. in fact if reading this caused you to feel anything, i encourage you to pretend it never existed. this is just a way to channel my feelings, so it probably doesnt make sense.

as i said before. i dont feel like talking now. too exhausting. im going to pretend i never wrote this. and you are going to pretend you never read this. and the world will be a happier place.

back to FLL now. cant afford to waste any more time. this opportunity is precious.

2004-11-14, 8:39 p.m..
before } after