} reflection

a bit early to reflect. but theres so much to think about.

i never had a good feeling about this year's njrc. i've been so lazy. i didn't put in my all. i wouldnt care if we didnt make it, if we didnt get anything, if only i knew that i put in my 100%. but i didnt. thats the worst thing. i wanted to put in my all for this year's njrc... but i didnt.

the truth is. im also quite disappointed with my team. maybe it was because we chose wrongly. we chose our team members simply out of 'who can work with who'. we forgot to think about grouping people who can work with each other to produce the best results.

i like my team. we work together quite well...because we're so close. but it just didnt work out. we are good with each other when it comes to talking. slacking. having fun. but when it comes to work, it just sucks. im sorry but this is how i feel.

gloria is a good leader. i know that she is capable. but she's so busy with so many things. it's not even possible to get annoyed with her because of that... she's good at delegating work. most of the time. but sometimes, especially recently, i just dont understand her. she works by herself. snaps when we ask. offer help. etc. impatient, frustrated, etc.

we know you're busy. and tired. and stressed out. so why force it upon yourself? we could have helped. maybe it was faster with the work split up. or does she trust us to do a good job? im not so sure.

sometimes i dont even think i can trust my group members anymore. the closer i am to them, the more i dont know about them. theres a lot of things we keep from each other... i dont know. for all i know they have been talking, complaining about me. so i deserved it. but it just goes to show how i just cant trust anyone anymore.

who knows. maybe they all will talk about me for writing this. but so what. please just scream at me. dont whisper it behind my back. i also would rather scream it out rather than keep it inside too.

suhui. i dont agree with her motto. why rely on the assumption that everything will be ok, when we could be doing something better? i know. im a hypocrite. because i like to say that too. if you are thinking about how much i suck, i have to agree with you. i suck. a lot.

i should have been less lazy. i slacked a lot this year. i admit that. its terrible, it feels terrible - having high expectations and yet not doing anything about it. maybe i just didnt have the drive to do it, thats a big mistake on my part.

the truth. when i saw the half-completed journal, i was so disappointed my heart dropped onto the floor. but i had to take it in because everyone did their best. and they did a great job. it just didnt turn out the way i visioned it to, but i cant say what i want to say because i didnt put in the effort to work on the journal.

its like how gloria is disappointed to know about our lack of progress when she came back from OBS. its a terrible feeling. maybe her case was worse. because she couldnt help it. it was up to us but we screwed up. but i was right there. there but not there. i cant even excuse myself because i was working on the website, because i could have done something. i could have done something.

i think. nobody really connects to me in the team. none of them can see eye to eye with me. i have this vision, of something, and i have no bloody idea how im going to do it, but i have to work it out somehow. but of course. theres no time for that. so we move on. the rest are more practical. im the only dreaming fool. in the end. all i get is a heartache. but so what. i didnt put in my part, so why should i deserve the results?

i just expected something better. i have high standards for certain things. and it sucks because it makes me so impractical. i should just change my personality. or something.

the bottom line is just that. i feel really terrible now. because i didnt put in my part to make my own vision come true. so its nobody's fault except my own. its gone. too late. never mind. dont ask me, 'then what did you expect us to do???' because i know everyone did their best. except me. i was too lazy. i hate myself for it.

i dont even know what ghislaine and anne marie are doing.

lack of communication. we were supposed to be an all rounded team. keep everyone in track of what's happening. i didnt even know what the robot is really like until the preparation of our presentation! what could i have done to make this better? a lot. but i didnt do it.

there were even times. when i refused to do my own job. showed attitude. i dont know what went through my mind. why was i so selfish? somewhere along the way, i lost sight of the big vision. i dream of the team winning championship. but thats all. just dreamt. i never got up.

i dont know how anybody else feels, but i just want to go all out for the booth. the marketing. everything else that we still have a chance of getting. we lost journal. web. presentation. research. mechanical design. programming. bizarre. price to pay.

im sorry i never put in my best. i dont know what difference i would have made in the team, but at least i would have felt better about it. i guess im just not that effective. or efficient. i just vision a lot of things. which other people dont understand. i should have drawn it out, so at least they all can disagree if they hate it.

im sorry that i pointed out faults. or what i think are faults. maybe not. maybe im assuming. maybe im being stupid. this is just how i feel. everyone is entitled to their opinion. im just telling you, right here right now, how i feel. so at least you all will know im not keeping anything. i hope they will do the same. scream and hate me if they want. i just want things clear and focused again.

i admit my own faults too. laziness. procrastination. lack of initiative. too much dreaming, less doing. expecting too much but not doing anything. impractical.

please dont think im expecting sympathy. everything here was absolutely honest and sincere. go and say what you want. if you think i didnt mean it, go ahead and think so. if you think im wallowing in self-pity, go ahead. all comments will be ignored.

im not sure i have the right to say all this. but. well. i did. i didnt force you to read it anyway. i didnt advertise or throw it in your face.

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thanks denise for bothering to listen. heh.

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PS. this entry wasnt supposed to make anyone feel bad.

2004-09-03, 10:29 p.m..
before } after