} 2 days to FRS........

Short break in FRS booklet update, hehe. I got this from an e-mail from mich ong....

May

- Stubborn and hard-hearted.
- Strong-willed and highly motivated.
- Sharp thoughts.
- Easily angered.
- Attracts others and loves attention.
- Deep feelings.
- Beautiful physically and mentally.
- Firm Standpoint.
- Needs no motivation.
- Easily consoled.
- Systematic (left brain).
- Loves to dream.
- Strong clairvoyance.
- Understanding.
- Sickness usually in the ear and neck.
- Good imagination.
- Good physical.
- Weak breathing.
- Loves literature and the arts.
- Loves traveling.
- Dislike being at home.
- Restless.
- Not having many children.
- Hardworking.
- High spirited.
- Spendthrift.

some things are really, really not true.. though i wish they WERE true. like.. 'firm standpoint'. cos then i wouldn't be so indecisive about things. haiz. and 'spendthrift'. that would make saving up so much easier! T_T

if you read the personality traits for march, you'll see that it's very, very untrue. (eg., loves peace and serenity. shy and reserved.)or at least, i find it very ironical when i associate it with some people born in march..........

shall not say anymore.

back to the FRS update.

[9:41 AM]

waiting for melissa to come online, so she can send me the new version of the supporters booklet. also waiting for krystle to come online, so she can send me any new, finished edited booklets for me to compile with the designs.

also waiting for a miracle to happen because i don't know/think i can finish everything by tonight.

im not sure what to think now, everything is so messy and mixed up. i think.. gloria & me saw the problem with too many people a long time ago, i dunno if she said anything about it, but i know i didn't. and i have to admit, when i saw the name of a not-so active arc member below mine in the editorial team, i already knew i was facing many sleepless nights. and from the whole namelist, i already knew who was going to work day in, day out and who was going to disappear during the weekends and weekday nights. but i didn't want to be judgmental, so i didn't voice it out.

now it's really too late. there's nothing to be done except live with it until tuesday.

my dad was lecturing me all about it yesterday night. that the team had a problem. of course i knew there was a problem in the team, i'm not stupid, i'm not blind. and both my parents told me it's stupid, it's dumb to keep sticking it out while some other people are having a real holiday, not experiencing the stress at all.

of course it's stupid. but do i have a choice? sticking it out is stupid, but letting go and abandoning is selfish. all i can do is hold on as far as possible.

it's been going on every single night. they have been telling me what a useless, insignificant part i am playing in the team. because i'm not dealing with the technical side. what is the use of being in robotics when you don't know a thing about the robot?

what am i supposed to say to that?

all week, all month, i've been trying to fight back, but it's useless and i know it. i don't know the answer, i don't know why i'm doing this for arc when i'm obviously not gaining any robotics knowledge out of it. even if i request to be in the technical side, i know what will happen. play to your strengths, they'll say, and whichever section i'm in i'll end up doing all the designs anyway. it's not fair, but what can i do?

and all the time, while im constantly being bombarded with things to make me doubt my position in arc, to doubt the cca itself and the people in it, i am needed, more and more, to trust them so that i can work with them.

on one side, i'm supposed to keep doing what i do for the sake of the team. on the other side, my parents are telling me how stupid and meaningless it is. the worst part is probably that they say mr tan is not doing anything about it, that he doesn't even have the power to control the team and give everyone the benefit to learn about the robot.

i don't know what to say to that either. i know that, if anyone else questions me, i know i'll say that i have trust in mr tan and i know he's doing everything for what he believes is a good cause. but i can't tell that to my parents, who are already so in doubt of arc, and its people, and most of all mr tan himself. what to do?

and all at the same time, all the pressure is coming to me, my parents telling me to stop and that i will have to resign from arc next year, the fact that i have to keep working and holding on in order to help the team, and my own knowledge that in a certain sense my parents were right. things can be better. things can be improved in the team. mr tan knows that. everyone knows that. but with two days left to the competition, who can do anything about it?

i dunno why the hell i'm ranting about all this, it's just that i can't convey how i feel without telling the whole story. this is how i feel. this is what i'm constantly facing every single day since frs was announced.

i wish this bloody competition will just end soon, it's ruining my life.

[10:00 AM]

melissa still not online. wondering how to do the booklet without ruining alignments, trying to think of an idiot proof way to keep all headers and footers in place.

[12:37 PM]

melissa came online, but didn't have the supporters booklet ready. krystle not online. no stuff to compile. i see last minute work at 3 am in the morning, and tomorrow.

cannot sleep tonight. *sob*

gonna eat lunch first, then start panicking again. :|

[1:43 PM]

it has become apparent that i won't be getting anything to compile until 6pm, unless melissa finishes the supporters booklet before 6. still. going off now, will be back later, going to attempt to de-stress.

*deep breath*

2004-03-14, 9:31 a.m..
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