} A (long) rant, some plans after holidays...

Hmmm. My ponytail is feeling rather *suspiciously* floppy... Wonder what I did wrong while tying it.

Yes, me and my random observations as usual.

Ahaha. I'm going to watch Finding Nemo tomorrow. (Finally.) I suppose it might be kind of embarassing, going as a big group with my family... but what the heck. I really can't be bothered to care. Tomorrow is the last day of the June holidays after all - have to fill it with as much insanity as possible. :)

And meanwhile, on this miserable Saturday evening, I'm still not done with my darned holiday homework. Oh well. How long can a stupid newspaper cutting take anyway?

I'm coping with my drawing block pretty well... I hope. I'm trying to make myself settle with mediocrity - yeah, even worse than my usual standards. I just hope this doesn't last too long. The last drawing block I had lasted for more than three years. *shudder* Scary thought.

Maybe in the meantime I'll try to get back to writing. I've been having writer's block for some time too, and boy, it sucks. Maybe the start of this drawing block means the end of my writer's block. Anyhoo, I really don't know.

I think I might get a fresh new start in fanfiction-writing, though. I'm almost done reading the 5th HP book... Once I'm done, and if I'm too lazy, I think I'll jot down and compile all the important facts from the first to the fifth book, so I can write a good fanfic. My version of book six this time. Haha, I doubt I'll be able to finish it, but let's just hope Rowling takes half a dozen years to finish the next book this time. ^____^

Oh yeah.. I'll have to delete my current fanfics... Better remember to do that later. I'll still keep the documents in my computer though, for memory's sake. Hopefully my new fanfic attempts will be successful, ne?

Suddenly I feel so good. Like, sort of, empowered. I mean, school is starting on Monday but I don't feel too miserable at all... the way I usually do. I dunno. I guess I know that, even with school, I'll keep doing the things I enjoy as usual... maybe even pick up more hobbies. I guess it's just nice to know that I have things to look forward to other than half a day suffered in school and piles of homework. Oh, and there's always weekends. Will have to go to Sunday School, which sucks, but oh well. And I'll have French classes, but I've promised myself this will be my last year.

Come to think of it, I've never really wanted to learn French. I don't know what the hell I was thinking last year... now I'm bound to these classes for another half a year. *sigh*

I just hope my mum won't put up too much of a fight when I tell her I'm quitting next year. Yepp, I'll complete this year's syllabus and never re-sign up for next year, never turn up for another French class after that. How more fantabulous can life be. I expect the Sec 3 subjects will be harder anyway, I want to focus on subjects I actually want to take for 'O' levels, not subjects I take because...my mum wants me too. It's just so wrong.

I've considered sticking to French class, you know. I've considered and re-considered many times. But then, everytime I get the weird thought that I might miss it (blah...fat chance), I keep re-telling myself that I'm not that interested in it anyway. It'll be the second time that I quit learning a foreign language halfway through... but who cares. I've never had a real interest in languages. Good ol' plain English is good enough for me.

It's not like I want to move to France or something.

Whoa, suddenly the entry turned into a whole rant about French classes. My mind must be really screwed or something. I think my main point is that I want to quit the things I don't really enjoy, so I can have more time for the things I like to do, like drawing, writing, CGing and making webpages. I know, they say that sometimes you have to put up with things you'd rather not do, but I think I want to have it my way this time. I'll stick to piano classes till I'm done with Grade 8, though... I've been learning it for far too long and I like it better than French classes anyway. x____x; That is, if I don't fail the exams for Grade 7. I've been getting worse and worse. *sigh*

If only my mum would understand. I don't know, really. I suppose sometimes she just sees me as this little kid that she can still control. She doesn't understand the fact that I'm just not interested in the things that she's interested in. Like, she dreams of having pianists and ballerinas for children. I don't know how to say it to her - I don't know how to make her understand that I can't fulfil those wishes for her, but that I'll try to make her proud of me in the things that I enjoy. I don't know how to make her understand that I don't need to be good at everything to make her proud of me.

I'm rambling.

I'm just bursting with these feelings, I guess. I need to let it out every once in a while. Everytime I try to point out that I'm not interested in things she wants me to learn (like French), she makes me feel like it's a bad thing. She'll go all gruff and tell me I can do whatever I want, but at the same time make me feel that I've disappointed her somehow. It gets me at a complete loss. I'm not a rebellious child like she thinks I am, I do want to make her happy... I'm just reluctant to do that if it means making myself unhappy in the process. I know, I'm selfish. I'm also sick of having to please everyone else, though.

I want to achieve my dreams, not hers. I want to do the things I want, not what she wants. I want control over my own life, not have someone play around with it for the rest of my life.

Gawd, I want to stop rambling like this, but I can't do it. Gah. x____x;

I think I'll plan out a to-do list for today and tomorrow to keep my mind off these things.

Today's To-do list
~HOMEWORK
~Find stapler (somewhere in my desk)
~Clear desk of all shit

Tomorrow's To-do list
~Find Nemo
~Oasis site layout
~Plan out HP fanfics (maybe?)
~Sketch somefink (another lame attempt to break out of drawing block)

Yea, that's about it I suppose. I think I'll work on my site pages a bit now, and after dinner I'll look for that shitty newspaper article. And I'll go back to reading OotP before bed, haha. XD

2003-06-28, 6:53 p.m..
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