} crap. just plain old crap.

I don't think any word can describe how fucked up I am right now. It's a fuckingly hot morning, I'm fuckingly fucked up, and my brother is fuckingly annoying as usual.

I can't believe how much I really HATE my family. I guess I don't mind my dad or sister that much, cos we never talk much anyway. The most dad can do to piss me off is to tell me off or give me a short scolding or something like that. The most my sister can do to piss me off is delete my stuff in the computer (we share the laptop), and that's ok cos I don't actually need that stuff, I just want to keep it for some reason. Other than that, we barely speak two words to each other everyday.

My mum is pretty unbearable. She has this dream, you see. She wants to be a ballerina, and also a pianist. So what does she do? She signed up my sister and me for ballet lessons when I was small, back when we were still in Indonesia. It was fine, I guess. I even enjoyed the lessons sometimes. I liked ballet. But then we had to move, so I stopped going to ballet practice, and ever since we moved here, I never had a single ballet lesson. Alleluia. Sure, I USED to like it, but over time I realised how horribly stupid it is. Now I'm ALMOST thankful that we moved. Ballet's not all, of course. There's still piano lessons.

Unfortunately, even after The Move, my sister and I still have piano lessons. We have it at home, once a week. My sister has recently escaped the torture cos she already finished grade 8. (Actually, she failed the exam, but who gives a damn? She's not redoing anyway.) Now all she has to do is put up with the theory exam and that's it. No more piano for the rest of her life. Lucky her. I'd do anything to swap positions with her. Me? I'm still studying grade 7, and I have to wait two torturous years before I can escape from it all. Maybe not all. My mum is still pestering my sister to play piano anyway, 'just for fun' (OK, where did the fun come from when playing piano??), and I bet she's gonna do the same thing to me once I finish grade 8. She might even pester me to study for the diploma. HAHA. In your dreams, mate. What do I look like? Some female version of Beethoven?

If anyone would ever fulfil mum's dream, it would be my brother. He LOVES piano, and he's GOOD at it. GOOD as in, junk and gibberish doesn't come out when he plays the piano. Get it? I don't doubt it if he ends up as a composer. I mean, he's got a great hearing, so he's in a special class at Yamaha Music School. The special class is for those 'gifted' kids who I think are definitely going to follow Mozart's footsteps when they're older. And to think that my brother is one of them. And to think that I'M actually related to him. SPOOKY.

I guess I may not have proved my point about how annoying mum can be about her little ambitions. For one thing, her ambitions are not for herself to slave over, they're for me, for my brother. (Used to be for my sister too, but I think mum already gave up on her a long time ago. That lucky pig.) Which means that my mum would pop up wherever I go only about a billion times a day to tell me to practise my piano, blah blah blah blah blah blah. And when that's not working, she'll tell me some crap like, "You know, when I was small I REALLY wanted to learn how to play the piano, but we were too poor. So now that you have the opportunity, you should use it and..." and then she would go on and on about seizing opportunities and seeing possibilities, saying the exact same things as my principal the other day. If she thinks I'm gonna be, like, INSPIRED or TOUCHED by what she said, then I'm gonna prove her wrong. HAH. Like I care. And, if THAT doesn't work, she'll go something like, "Playing the piano can be useful, next time when you are older you can teach your children how to play the piano." HAHAHA. BIG JOKE. Even if I DO end up having children, I'll make sure that I won't torture them with the all that piano crap. I'll buy them an electric guitar and a set of drums and tell them to join a rock band. Adios, piano!

So that's how my mum's like. Demanding. Annoying. And a bit TOO ambitious.

Then there's my brother. He's the reason why I have to be so fucked up every single day. It's like, when I'm having a good day, he has to spoil it all to make it just like any old ordinary bad day.

Talking about him will just make me swear and curse some more, so I don't think I should talk about him. Let me just say that he's utterly DESPICABLE.

Phew. I feel better now. Besides, both my mum and brother are at his special piano class now, so who gives a damn. It'll give me time to forget about those two.

Now let me talk about something else. Oh yes. I've been forcing myself to finally start doing up my website again. I closed it down a couple of months ago, and hopefully it'll be back up soon. I almost finished the layout, and I'm working on the contents, and I'm STILL struggling to find out how to switch on the scanner, and I keep forgetting to ask my dad. So. The website might take a while.

Who cares. I prefer writing crap on this diary anyway.



2002-11-14, 10:14 a.m..
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